facing 1 year without you / Sara Hailes (mam)
dearest robert,by god has it been a long haul this year without you,what can i say my heart is broken and im beginning to wonder how long im going to be able to carry this pain within me,and let people think im ok when i am not,having problems with sleep,waking up with night mares in buckets of sweat and not being able to make sence of the terror that i am feeling and the buterflys that i feel and fight the terror of feeling deep within it is a buggar to fight of,but i have no choice to cope,i am trying robert really i am especially for leah but it is so hard to even get dressed some days or even make a meal,i know i deal with thing different to others and that is to hide away from this bastard of a world,i so fucking hate,i feel i want to boil and take it out on others but i feel it and it scares me to fuck,that i should not feel in this way so its easier to keep away,and family robert i didnt know how people could be so cruel,and say terrible thing about me god i feel so hurt and angry when i know all i did was love you and try to protect you,i know you did things robert,but i also know that you loved me and knew i would have died for you instead,cause really to be honest there isnt much here for me if i am honest except for my kids and i hant got you and soon leah will be grown up and gone and i will have nightmares to live with alone and that scares the fuck out of me,like today was easier to stay in bed so i didnt have to face people or the shit i face on a daily basis,i also have been well know to ignore the door cause son i dont want to share my feelings with them,was thinking about reading bibles to get answers to see if i could find a right prayer to say to see if it will help you in your journey,cause i dont know where to turn here im just looking for somthing robert i just want peace in my heart and i dont know what that feels like cause you will know when i talk to you how i have always had pain in my life,and have been coping with a battle of nasty throughout my life,but they will never compare to my not having you son i begged you robert i cried i begged you to leave this country to get away and i would have,but you said no and promised me and i knew you felt troubled when the day before you died you cried and told me that you were and i was so scared for you and im sure you were to WHY WHY didnt you let me in and help you ,why son i keep asking myself,could i have done more,i guess i will always ask this question,im just glad i can remember the cuddles we would share lying on the sofa with a blanket and you would make me a cuppa,and i so wish i could have a cuddle from you robert to feel you to hear your voice but i know i am not,unless i have a dream and they dont happen often and i pray everynight that i will see your face hear you but i dont and i somtimes get frustrated that its not happening ,im also thinking about spiritualist churches cause i need somthing,if i could just know you were in heaven and happy i think i will be at more ease within my heart to know this.i went to your resting place up cemetary thursdat the 12th your 1st year and i got you a northern star ,much prefere that i was a cuddle ,you got a angel of auntie carla geordie n tez n bob,posie of baz n lewis and 1 of tanya,and a nice lay of flowers of ya nanz n mick,grace bex n baz katie gemma n dean faggo manuel twins and few of your friends went up and balloons n flowers of trez so i was happy and lots have wrote candles n tributes for you and it so saddens my heart it shouldnt be this way not your child a one i loved so much and will forever and always robert until god lets me come join you.all my love darling from mam with her sad broken heart xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxo
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